I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
