i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
