Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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