oh god the rape fog is back!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I AM VODKA MAN
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
