Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
