Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
