he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You need a sexual gate keeper
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
