I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
