i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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