And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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