She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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