where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
