I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
