"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize