so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We left the knife in your bed.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
