When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
