Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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