literally had 100 drinks last night.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
