I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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