You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
