He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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