u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
