She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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