Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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