My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
