I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Don't make out with my wife yet
People in love make me want to vomit
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
