So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
