So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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