I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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