this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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