Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
