Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
