I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
