She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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