Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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