I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
