Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize