just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also, beer. Big fan.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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