There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
