he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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