in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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