our cab driver is having phone sex.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
