dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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