Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
