I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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