the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
