Don't you send me to vm
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
