the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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