I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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