I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
