You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she pinky promised me she was 18
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
