Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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