Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
