Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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