i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
