i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
