I faked an abortion last night.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
