i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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