hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
